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【TOP 47】Rita Rudner Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him,

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was - Rita Rudner Quotes

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner Quotes

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

American Comedian Confession Funny Love Quote of the Day Valentine's Day

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner Quotes

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

American Comedian Funny

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

American Comedian Funny Office

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

American Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

American Comedian Ballet Funny

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner Quotes

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

American Comedian Boyfriend Funny

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. - Rita Rudner Quotes

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

American Comedian Funny

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. - Rita Rudner Quotes

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

American Comedian Funny

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid. - Rita Rudner Quotes

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

American Comedian Funny

The entertainment complements what we do here. There is no better shopping than here and there are no better restaurants. There are a million ways to enjoy yourselves in Las Vegas. - Rita Rudner Quotes

The entertainment complements what we do here. There is no better shopping than here and there are no better restaurants. There are a million ways to enjoy yourselves in Las Vegas.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. - Rita Rudner Quotes

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

American Comedian Funny

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

American Comedian Funny

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? - Rita Rudner Quotes

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

American Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

Whenever I date a guy, I think,

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner Quotes

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

American Comedian Funny Hollywood

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before - Rita Rudner Quotes

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. - Rita Rudner Quotes

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

American Comedian Country Funny

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

American Comedian Funny

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner Quotes

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

American Comedian Funny

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner Quotes

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

American Comedian Funny

I don't plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet - Rita Rudner Quotes

I don't plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Rita Rudner Quotes

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

American Comedian Funny

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner Quotes

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner Quotes

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

American Comedian Funny

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. - Rita Rudner Quotes

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

American Comedian Funny

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. - Rita Rudner Quotes

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

American Comedian Funny

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said,

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, ""Look, it's always gonna be me!""

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

American Comedian Funny

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior - Rita Rudner Quotes

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior

Men

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. - Rita Rudner Quotes

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

American Comedian Funny

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner Quotes

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

American Comedian Funny

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

American Comedian Funny Love

My mother buried three husbands ? and two of them were only napping. - Rita Rudner Quotes

My mother buried three husbands ? and two of them were only napping.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them - Rita Rudner Quotes

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? - Rita Rudner Quotes

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

American Comedian Funny Man

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner Quotes

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

American Comedian Funny Women

Now that we've got the East-West All-Star game here, don't you think there's the possibility that someday we'll have our own team? - Rita Rudner Quotes

Now that we've got the East-West All-Star game here, don't you think there's the possibility that someday we'll have our own team?

foreign to me, and it shows. - Rita Rudner Quotes

foreign to me, and it shows.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said,

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Game

My mother buried three husbands ÃÂ and two of them were only napping. - Rita Rudner Quotes

My mother buried three husbands ÃÂ and two of them were only napping.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. - Rita Rudner Quotes

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. - Rita Rudner Quotes

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

American Comedian Funny

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